He Still Remembers
by QuierdoMusic
Summary: How and why Sam gets his soul back... so SPOILERS for season 6... just wishful thinking.
1. 1

"What? We're finally able to get your soul back... and now you just... 'don't want it anymore'?" Dean quotes Sam, his voice utterly calm when he stands up from the crappy motel bed. "Please don't be so stupid... please... Cas has your soul... He can give it back to you... Sam please..." Dean begs... and Dean Winchester NEVER begs... but hell, he wants his brother back.

"Dean..." Sam tries to reason with his brother. "Look... you said that having a soul equals suffering... And... damn it... I would suffer a lot, after all that Sam has done. I won't be able to work reasonable. I'm gonna feel everything... It's just irrational to demand my soul."

Dean nodded. "You know what having a soul also equals? Feeling loved and being capable to love." A lone tear falls from Dean's eyes, his nostrils moving. "I can't believe that you don't miss the feeling of being cared for... of caring."

"That's because I can't miss anything..." Sam shrugs.

"Yeah... and I don't know how long I'm able to endure that..." Dean nods, grapping his jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"What do you care... yeah right... you don't care." Dean slams the door shut behind him.

Sam looks into the mirror on the opposite side of the room, moving his fingers against the small, nearly invisible scar beside his right eye. Yellow Eyed demon's son has caused it and just because of Dean he hasn't died back then. Just a few hours later Sam has nearly lost Dean. He still remembers that he's felt awful.

But right now there is nothing. He doesn't feel bad at all, thinking about that.

He doesn't miss Jess...

He doesn't think about his mother.

He doesn't care about their father's dead...

He doesn't cringe because of Dean's deal.

He doesn't want to curl up in his brother arms, when he thinks about Dean's death.

He doesn't feel sorry for drinking demon blood.

He doesn't hate himself for trusting Ruby.

He doesn't feel guilty about the Apocalypse.

He doesn't even mind his brother's suffering.

So why the hell would he want to feel again. Feeling means pain, pain means suffering. He doesn't have the time to suffer. He needs to fight evil. He can't feel bad about all the things he's done. He can't punish himself for not going to Dean as soon as he's come back.

He just can't.

"Oh shit... I'm gonna regret this." Sam scratches his head. "Cas... Come down give me my appendix back."

"Beg you pardon?" Castiel appears in the room, titling his head. "Where's your brother?"`

"I don't know..." Sam shrugs. "Give me my soul back."

"What?... Are you sure... now?... Here?" Castiel looks around in the room.

"Where would you like to give me my soul back? On a fancy beach when the sun sets?" Sam asks, not really getting what the angels wants him to say.

"I think you're going to need the support of your brother as soon as you have your soul back." Castiel states.

"Nah... it's gonna be okay. With or without soul... I'm a big boy." Sam stands up.

"Okay... I hope you know what your doing." Cas guides the tall man to a chair. "Try to rela... never mind... you're calm anyway."

Sam closes his eyes. He doesn't really know where the sudden change of mind has come from. The soul was still irrational for him. But right now all he sees is another logic. He knows that he is already screwed up, so why should he also mess up his brother?

_You know what having a soul also equals? Feeling loved and being capable to love_

And for the first time in more than one year, Sam wants something. He also remembers the good times of his life.

He still remembers the first time Dean has said that he is proud of him.

He still remembers his first successful hunt.

He still remembers his soccer game.

He still remembers every time his brother has soothed him after a nightmare.

He still remembers the prank wars.

He still remembers Dean's face when he's given him the amulet.

He still remembers being back on the road with Dean.

He still remembers every time Dean has saved him.

He still remembers his brother's forgiveness.

He still remembers his brother's caring.

He still remembers his brother's humor.

He still remembers the chick-flick moments his brother claims to hate so much.

He still remembers his brother's love.

He still remembers how much he's loved his brother.

He still remembers how much he's cared for his brother.

He still remembers his brother.

Suddenly Sam starves for his soul. "Cas... please... give it back."

"I still think we need to wait for Dean..." Castiel replies, but presses his hand against Sam's shoulder.

"I'll be fine." Sam nods, not opening his eyes.

Castiel nods.

"That's gonna hurt."


	2. 2

Dean hugs his knees tighter to his chest, curling up in the front of the Impala. He buries his face into his hands, trying to suppress his tears. His little brother, his baby brother, the cutest and most amazing kid, the grumpy but beloved teenager, the bitchy, yet caring man doesn't want his best part back. Sam doesn't want his soul back. He doesn't want to become himself again.

It is cold on the porch, the night before Christmas. Dean has hoped to have his little brother back for Christmas...

"Sammy." Dean whispers, hitting the wheel.

"Dean." The older Winchester jerks back, startled, when suddenly a man opens the door.

"Cas?" Dean asks, immediately jumping out of the car, startled by the angel's facial expression.

"I guess your brother requires your presence." Castiel bits his lip. "I wanted you to be there when it happened, I..."

He's not able to end his sentence when Dean pushes him out of the way, running towards the crappy motel room.

"Sam" He shouts, entering the room, frowning when he searches the room for Sam, his moth falling open when he sees the younger guy on the floor, a pained look on his face, sweat covering his cheeks and his forehead. "Sammy" Dean cups his hand over his mouth walking over to his brother on wobbling knees. "Sammy..." His hands tremble when he touches his brother's face.

"Dean" The one word holds so much pain, sorrow, fear, when Sam's hand finds it's way to his brother's. "Please don't leave..."

"Shhh" Dean falls to his knees, feeling warm liquid on his hand where Sam's bleeding palm is pressed against the back of his hand. Gently he takes Sam's other fist into his other hand, opening it, inspecting the little scratches, caused by Sam's own fingernails.

"Castiel... What the hell?" Dean asks, watching his trembling brother, who is breathing heavily, like he has been stabbed... oh gosh... Cold Oak.

"_Don't leave me..._" Sam begs over and over again. "_Please stay... please.._."

"Not gonna leave you, kid." Dean changes positions, tucking Sam's head gently against his shoulder, letting his brother snuggle down against his chest. "Castiel NOW... WHAT HAPPENED." Sam stirred, hearing the angry voice. "Oh fuck... sorry Sammy... sorry... not mad at you."

Hugging his little brother closer, Dean looks back up at the angel. "What happened here?"

"He asked me to give him back his soul. I just fulfilled his wish." Castiel stands in front of the brothers.

"And the thought that I should be here didn't occur to you?" Dean tries to stand up, but is pulled back by his whimpering brother. "I'm here." The older brother lays his hand on the top of his brother's head, moving his thumb gently.

"It did... but Sam said he would be fine." Castiel quotes the youngest man.

This time Dean achieves to stand up and causes Sam to curl up again, breathing fast. "I'll be back in a second." Dean promises, before he turns to his friend. "WHAT THE FUCK Cas? Of COURSE Sam said that he would be okay... But look at him... does he look okay? You should have known it... You should have known that he breaks down... you should have known that he needs me around as soon as he "wakes up", you should have known that he would be scared when I'm not here... you should have known that as soon as he has his soul... oh my god..." Dean gasps, his hand wandering to his chest, when he spins around. "Sammy..." Dean sits down again, close to his brother, embracing him, holding his face gently. "Oh my god... you have your soul back... Sammy... Sammy."

Sam trembles once, trying to get closer to his brother. "Don't leave me."

"I won't... oh damn... kid..." Dean brushes his lips against his brothers forehead, before he lays his own against it. "Thanks... thanks Castiel."

"Your welcome." Castiel's warm voice fills the room, before he disappears with a well-known sound of his wings.

"Hey... Sammy..." He feels Sam's body tremble. "Look at me, kiddo..."

When scared eyes meet hopeful eyes, Dean wants to cry with joy and he can already feel the tears in his eyes. This face... this look was so Sammy... this was so his little brother.

"Why did you do it?" Dean questions calmly, squeezing his brother to his chest. "What do you remember, kiddo?"

"I dunno." Sam's voice is so innocent that Dean wants to squeal. "I was scared that you wouldn't come back." _to pick up my pieces._ Sam doesn't need to say it, both brothers heard it anyway.

"I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Dean repeats. "I'm not gonna leave you."

Sam lets out a sound of pure pain. "Don't say that... please..."

"Wha-" And then Dean remembers. He's said those words before, when Sam has beaten the crap out of him. "Sorry... but it's true, pal. I won't go anywhere. I didn't leave your robo-double... and for sure I won't ever leave you."


End file.
